My Story

When Casey’s law was passed in Kentucky, it was intended as a legal means for the loved ones of an addict to intervene and force them into court-ordered involuntary treatment. For some, this may be the last available approach for saving the life of a loved one. However invaluable a tool this prove to be, Casey’s Law provides what can be an excessive amount of power over the fate of the alleged drug user.

Being labeled an ‘addict’ comes with a stigma that can greatly affect how someone is perceived by others. If it becomes known that you are an addict, for example, a nurse at the hospital might be scornful and dismissive while treating you, friends might decide to sever ties with you, or you might even lose your job. While some might decide that an addict deserves such treatment, this doesn’t establish that an addict deserves to lose their rights guaranteed by the constitution. As an American, it is understood that you have the right to be considered innocent until proven guilty, and you have the right to a fair trial. With Casey’s Law, the petitioner submits allegations that the respondent is suffering from an alcohol or other drug abuse disorder and presents a danger or threat of danger to self, family, or others if not treated. What happens when the petitioner doesn’t have the best interests of the alleged addict in mind? In that case, the result is decided by taking one’s words over the other’s. Who would you be inclined to believe?

But wouldn’t that be perjury, for the petitioner to lie in court and provide fabricated evidence? And if that happened, wouldn’t the respondent simply provide evidence negating said proof? According to Casey’s Law, the respondent will be notified “(KRS 222.433B) (b) concerning the allegations and contents of the petition and the date and purpose of the hearing.’ In theory, it would simply be a matter of providing evidence to counter the allegations, which would lead to a dismissal of the case, and that would be the end of that. Unfortunately, sometimes complications can occur.

When I was notified of my hearing on May 16, 2017, I received a copy of the petition that had been completed by my mother and the contact information of my public defender. Being unfamiliar with Casey’s Law, I was unaware of the fact that I should have received a copy of the allegations made against me. And because I did not receive the allegations against me, I was completely unable to prepare for the trial. Had I known, for example, that I was accused of “checking myself out of detox”, I would have been able to bring the document I received from Our Lady Of Peace when they medically discharged me after successfully completing detox. Whether the omission of this crucial information was intentional or not, it was still only the first obstacle in the case where everything was already stacked against me.

Let me establish: prior to receiving the summons, I had struggled with a heroin addiction that began in November 2016. However, also prior to receiving the summons, I had completed detox at OLOP in February 2017 and was already 3 months into my self-initiated voluntary treatment in Cleanse Clinic’s 6 month outpatient program, which I attended weekly. Though one might argue that I could have benefited from a more intensive inpatient program, I was employed with Nine Sixty Nine Productions and living with my two dogs in a home I was renting-to-own. The outpatient program was a good fit, and I was able to stay clean while continuing to work. I successfully passed each of the weekly drug tests, and I felt optimistic about my future.

Prior to the court summons, my relationship with my mother was already strained. To put it nicely, we have struggled to get along for as long as I can remember – being able to control me always seemed to matter more than my actual well-being. In adulthood, I learned that my quality of life vastly improved when I kept her at a distance and established strict boundaries. Though she resented this, she still only called about once a month, and the one time in a years’ time we made plans together, she ended up cancelling. When I received the summons, and saw the petitioner was my mother, who was definitely aware that I was already enrolled in effective treatment, I was unsurprised. If I had to guess, I’d say that her motivation behind filing the Casey’s Law petition was not only a ploy to gain sympathy for having a difficult addict daughter, but also as a means to gain control over my life.

Casey’s law is running and ruining my life. I did drugs for six weeks, did not like who I was becoming, knew that was not the life for me, and took myself to medical detox treatment on February 2, 2017 and complete it on February 6, 2017. By KRS’s definitions, someone ‘who enters a hospital voluntarily would be someone who shows no imminent risk of danger to self or others”. My understanding is this would show that I do still have the capacity to make the rationale decision that I needed help, being that Casey’s law was filed on me I was still in active treatment that I initiated.

When I met with the Certified Medical Health Professional I was completely honest about my addiction and that I felt I did need to be in treatment. We spoke for close to thirty minutes about my short lived addiction, my troubled history with my mother, and how I planned to continue treatment. Finding out from another professional that the treatment plan I had chosen for myself was also what she would have chosen made me feel that I would be able to quickly overcome addiction and maintain my sobriety. She stated she was going to recommend I continue what I was already doing, as statistics show voluntary treatment has a higher success rate than involuntary. I then met with the PHD long enough for me to sit down, say two sentences, and get right back up. He dismissed me within a few minutes without any information about me or my addiction.

For involuntary treatment to be delivered outside of an acute emergency, the doctor must petition a court to order it and there is a standard guideline that is followed and ruled in favore of doctors that show that the respondent meets as followed:

1. the treatment is necessary for safety and recovery.

I was currently in voluntary treatment of my own doing. Prior to receiving the summons that this had been filed I asked my father to accompany me to one of my appointment in hopes that this would help ease his mind and my mother’s that I was actively working on my recovery.

2. all efforts at voluntary treatment were exhausted.

The treatment that I signed myself into had been my first time in a drug treatment in my life, no other attempts, successful or otherwise, had been made prior. Although I had used drugs in the past, I had never been in a treatment program before.

3. family and others were engaged to help persuade the patient to accept care (and were not successful).

My family and friends made zero attempts to discuss treatment options or any concerns related to my drug use, nor did they even contact me prior to November 2016 thru the filing of Casey’s Law and present day. This was the first choice for family and other, ultimately taking away any choice I had.

4. the benefits of treatment are likely to outweigh its risks.

Since it has been filed I have lost two jobs directly related to having been order to complete Casey’s law, my dogs are sitting at the humane society currently at risk of being euthanized because no one has showed interest adopting them and I am can not to take them with me as I am unsure of what will be ordered by the courts, and I am unable to provide stable housing for myself or my dogs without income or knowledge of court proceedings.

I wish I knew to research this up prior to my original court date, but was very confused and uneducated about Casey’s Law being that it is so new. To this day I am still unaware and have not been given the opportunity to review the allegations made by the petitioner. Because I was unware of what I was going to being accused of, I was unable to know what proof to bring to debunk allegations. Had I been fully inform, I would have been fully prepared in court, instead I walked in blind with all the odds already stacked against me, as I was the only one that did not know any of the allegations made. I feel very confident that if I had been notified, or informed, of the allegations and contents of petition I would have been able to prove that it was mainly false information I was accused of. Unfortunately I was not given this right, or opportunity.

Currently I was denied to enter the treatment facility that I was ordered to complete because the facility felt it was unethical for me to be put into their program after contacting, and being evaluated, by a medical doctor. A letter from my doctor that was written to The Healing Place stated that I suffer from significant mental illness that was diagnosed prior to my substance abuse, so it was not caused by substance abuse. The Healing Place is a non medical facility and will not allow clients to be on any type of mental health medication. I have had a warrant issued and am completely embarrassed to learn that I was listed in ‘Crime Times’ magazine. I had already sat in jail for three weeks (longest I have ever been incarcerated) and chose to walk out of the treatment facility before I could be taken back into custody, knowing that is a decision that can negatively affect me. I am choosing to hide, against my better judgement, until I either get caught or secure my dogs a place to stay, or new home, while I complete the Casey’s Law, whichever comes first.

It feel as though there is no one here that is advocating for me. The moment I walked into that court room, I felt I was labeled as a stereotypical addict and everything I proceeded to say was ignored and presumed false. All allegations I heard in court were presumed as truth and were provided by a source that was unknown to anyone in the courtroom, except petitioner and respondent. Not only did I learn that unknown source provided manipulated information, I learned that the ‘proof’ was provided by someone who is considered a career addict. This has become a living nightmare and all I was right now is to get my life back. I would give anything to have a job right now and to be working towards building a better future. I have never been a person to run from my legal issues, but I have lost everything and I am trying my hardest for my furbabies not to suffer too. What I have felt and experienced in the last few months of my life is not a place I have ever been. I am more out of control of my life and at a lower point then I have ever been. I have always been proud of the work ethic that was passed down to me and feel ashamed to have gone through as many jobs as I have since the filing of the petition. The last few months I have felt more out of place, unlike myself, and so much more despair and hopelessness then I would have ever dreamed could be possible. This is not the life that I wanted when I chose to sign myself into detox February 2, 2017 and this is not how I want to feel today. I miss the structure, consistency, and stability that I have always relied on.

I do believe that a law similar to this, or one with stricter guidelines then this, is necessary as heroine has become an overwhelming epidemic that needs to be addressed and fixed, but should not be solely or mostly based on hearsay. Not everyone that walks into this courtroom will be like the one that did before them not the one that comes after them. Although I will not make any accusations in my case, or any past or future cases, the few that abuse the system make it for difficult for a person and their family members who could truly, and hopefully will, benefit from such an opportunity like this. Unfortunately there is too much grey area left open within the written law itself that it is easily misused.

Narcissist's Child

When a toxic person can no longer control you, 

they will try to control how others see you. 

The misinformation will feel unfair, but stay above it, 

trusting that other people will eventually see the truth, 

just like you did. 

~Jill Blakeway

Growing up I had a friend I spent all my time with, and mostly at her house with her single mother. I remember a time when her mother had got home from a hard day at work, frustrated from trying events she had endured, and snapped at my friend for something that typically wasn’t an issue with her. As I waited upstairs, I overheard my friend tell her mom that it embarrassed her for it to have happened in front of me. Then something I almost couldn’t believe happened, her mother apologized. But that’s what people when they love each right? Rationally explain how an action made them feel, and when you care for someone you don’t want to be the cause of their pain. The behavior is corrected to ensure that you don’t cause any more pain to a loved one and the relationship is happily restored by mother and daughter.

That was never how it worked when you grow up with a narcissist. Naturally we all want to be in control of our own life, it’s when you try to control the lives of everyone around you, truly can’t sleep until you get your way, it’s defined as a disorder. No matter how rational and calm, literally spending hours rehearsing and practicing the perfect way to word your feelings, when you tell a narcissist that their actions hurt you, be ready for a blown out of proportion, nasty argument. Why should asking for a little consideration, and wanting to share your feeling, cause so much turmoil? I spent many years sitting my room after one of these episodes wondering what I had done wrong. What could I have said differently for that to have ended in a more tranquil discussion?

It wasn’t until adulthood I learned that there wasn’t anything I could have done differently; there was just no other outcome when dealing with narcissist. These are people who typically came from a home with the same type of dysfunctional narcissist. Deep down, they feel vulnerable and protect themselves by controlling everything in their lives, even the people in them. The need to control can be so overwhelming to the narcissist that they don’t see the stress and destruction it is causing the people around them. Being so wrapped up with anxiety, unhappiness, anger, and insecurities they can’t rationally process what they are feeling, fear of failure or exposure. Compromise is nearly impossible and negotiation is a waste of energy; they are very exhausting to live with or socialize with.

Into my adulthood I realized that when those heated arguments happened, the person felt they had to win, or they would feel exposed or vulnerable. We all lose an argument at some point in our lives, we take our defeat and grow from it. A narcissist sees that defeat as a failure and will do anything to avoid being seen as such. The stakes in these arguments take on the role of their identity, so they deploy control tactics to gain a temporary illusion and sense of worth. These tactics can manifest as threat of loss, threat of suicide, and acting as victim, which is all to gain the sympathy of the other person and end the argument before exposing their vulnerability. The favorite tactic in my childhood household was the narcissist using self-pity in the form of continuously repeating ‘I am just a horrible person’. We want our loved ones to know they are important so, naturally, we start to comfort the narcissist and argument has ended; the narcissist doesn’t have to fail this time. Once this has worked once, and proven to work, it will continue to be used as a tactic.

This is just the beginning of the roller-coaster. After one of these fights, the narcissist excepts you to go about like nothing ever happened. An apology for anything they said or did during an argument will never happen. Humility is not something they are equipped to deal with, and typically lack remorse or empathy to understand the pain they inflict on others. They see it as you are choosing to feel that way, that you could just as easily choose not to feel pain. If you apologize for any hurtful actions you made, they will forgive you and take with them a sense of reassurance that they remain in control. Once again, we are the picture-perfect family, except with a ticking time bomb that will explode again.

Being the child of a narcissist, we are often walking on egg shells, unsure as to when the rage will be unleashed. The ability to change their mood from aggressive to loving in a flash keeps us feeling unstable and clinging to them. This only boost their confidence and self-worth. Traumatically, this only teaches us to obey out of fear rather than love. No child wants to constantly be in a never winning battle, so we work hard to please the parent at all cost. Learning that you only receive love and affection from your narcissistic parent when you are obedient gives us the image that all love has conditions on it. Regretfully, that means that the child will grow up to be confused about what love looks like. They know that to receive the narcissist parent’s love they must act accordingly and please the narcissist at all cost. The moment they turn away from the narcissist all hell can seem to be breaking loose. We end up attracting narcissist as partners with the people pleasing behavior we learned to survive with; or end up growing up to be narcissist ourselves.

When we reach adulthood, we reach the time that is hardest to deal with our narcissistic parent. When we start to become independent and fully functioning adults, the narcissist still feels the entitlement to control our lives. A term that I have heard about a certain type of narcissist is “mailignant narcissist’. Having this type of narcissist as a parent means you know the meaning of punishment, you know what fear is. They must activity win and they intentionally want to see you hurt in the process for the sheer pleasure of it. They need more than the control to satisfy their inner self worth, they want to make sure you are punished in the process.

Growing up in the control of a malignant narcissist parent, is a terrifying and emotionally agonizing experience. It is often described as being rejected and denied value as a person, being exploited and used for the narcissist’s profit or advantage, terrorized by intimidation, control, coercion, and stalking, being dismissed, humiliated, manipulated, and belittled, violated by pathological envy, greed, and entitlement, being plundered, pillaged and systematically destroyed. Narcissistic abuse tears at a person’s self-worth and displays in social withdrawal, anxiety, fearfulness, depression, self-blame and self-destructive behavior. It results in feelings of guilt, shame, inadequacy and powerlessness.

Narcissist are very good at adapting and being able to choose what side they wish to show you. When they first meet someone, they can be very charming and caring. They have many sides to them and will choose which to show you depending on what their needs are. Characteristically, they will not show you the other side until they are denied what they want. Their sense of entitlement cannot fathom why they would be denied anything, but there is one thing you can guarantee, they will make you pay. They will obsess and hold resentment until they are able to deliver that punishment. It may even be years down the road, when the memory has been warped and escalated in their mind, but they will unleash punishment for denying them control. To deny control to your narcissistic mother she will feel it is her duty to exact that punishment. No matter how old her adult child is, she is still to be in control of them and have full obedience. It becomes a type of obsession, controlling the narcissist every thought and action. They will manipulate and control how others view the situation to gain support and often sympathy. 

One instance of this that happened in my household was during a family Christmas several years ago. My uncle’s wife had made a scene and stormed out of my grandmother’s home. As we all talked about the events that had just took place, my narcissistic parent made a comment to my uncle about how awful his wife was, and he shouldn’t be with a woman like that. Becoming defensive for the woman that he loved, my uncle snapped back at her “she helps me, you don’t help me”. My narcissistic parent couldn’t fathom that he would snap at her and over the next several years systematically worked to destroy him. When telling people why she was doing it, she left out the part of the story where she had made a nasty comment to him first and simply claimed ‘he snapped at me out of nowhere’. The memory of that event had become so warped in her mind that she believed herself that she was innocent of any wrong doing. It became an obsession for her, daily she would look him up on her computer just to read his background, which was only updated every 120 days. It consumed her life and became her mission to inflict punishment on him.

“Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse in which false information is presented with the intent of making a victim doubt his or her own memory and perception. It may simply be the denial by an abuser that previous abusive incidents ever occurred, or it could be the staging of bizarre events by the abuser with the intention of disorienting the victim.” Narcissistic parents rewrite what has factually happened in the past, to make themselves look righteous, and deny certain events ever occurred. The narcissist uses gaslighting to inflate situation to make the audience, or the people she is receiving sympathy from, see the child as being at fault. Often, as the child, we feel as though we are going insane as we are not able to find anyone who identifies with what we are going through.”

The most important thing for us, as the child, to remember is that although the actions of the narcissist feels cold, calculating, and meditated, the parent is unaware of the damage and trauma they are causing.  Unable to identify other’s emotions, and lacking compassion, they are simply unable to understand and feel empathy towards others. We solely exist to benefit them and are merely an extension of them. As the child of a narcissist, the parent doesn’t grasp that I am my own person that developed my own emotional requirements and manipulates so I am unable to express my own feelings. 

As we grow, we must start to heal from the emotional turmoil we have endure all our lives. Understanding that what we experienced is not our fault, and the narcissist is unable to maintain a healthy parent role, we can slowly heal and form healthy relationships in other parts of our lives. It may take a long time for use to understand the actions of a narcissist, but as we learn more about the condition the easier it becomes to heal.  Boundaries are essential if continuing a relationship with the narcissistic parent, as denying access to the emotions they need to trigger in order to control you will help the child and parent have a healthy relationship in the future. Sometimes, regretfully, maintaining a healthy relationship is not possible and knowing when to separate yourself is critical to leading a healthy life with healthy relationships.