Casualties of the isms

Before I ever used drugs, I was an addict. Moderation is not something I ever knew, I was (and still catching myself doing) impulsive and would always be extreme with it. Before I ever used, it was shopping addiction, eating addiction, even attention seeking addiction. All the 'isms' were there, I was, and always will be, an addict. I didn't love myself, the need for more consumed me. Although I do not regret using (in a way it saved me), I did have innocent casualties because of the war inside of me. 
I hurt so many people when I was hurting. I never saw the pain I caused until it was too late. The people who will never understand addiction fled, while my fellow addicts could relate and only left to feed their own pain. When my addiction started I had an amazing man in my life, recently celebrated 6 years of our story together. He is an amazing man, I loved him more than I loved myself. I don't know that he will ever truly understand that there was nothing he could ha…

Just for today I make that choice for me

Quickly approaching is a lot of 'one year since... ' days for me. I have spent a lot of time over the last few days reflecting on who I was one year ago to who I have become today. I am still grieving the loss of who I was.
That wonderful girl I was a year ago will never be here again. I wish I knew how amazing she was back then. She was kind, loving, nurturing, but she was niave, too trusting, and viewed the world as fair and just. She was ignorant, but it was blissful. If she was happy, I would never be here.
It's been over seven months since my last run. Although physically and mentally I feel better, I fear I will never escape the control it has given my mother over me.
On my last birthday I went out to eat with my mother and father, against the advice of my sponsor and counselors. Talking about being in the treatment center she chose, my mother looked at me and asked 'aren't you so happy you did this?'. I could no longer bite my tongue, I responded 'am…

Chasing Death I Found Life

Knowing that no other attempts to contact me after this hurts. I can imagine they believe that I continue to get high, but how are my mother and sister to know if I am or if I am not. I have been shunned from my family, I am the black sheep that is an embarrassment to them. I am okay with that.
The choices that I made during one season of my lifetime do not define me. I am more than the poor choices I made during this time, more than the sleepless nights and dope sick mornings. Being a recovering addict is something that I am proud of. We addicts do not always make it out of the madness, death is getting to common and jail can be a savior. Everyday is a struggle to stay clean, with temptation and triggers at my every turn. I am winning the battle as I watch so many of my fellow addicts continue to lose.
2017 was a very trying year for me. Giving up seemed like the best option, sometimes the only option. Over the past year I have been broken and beaten down. I have lost friends and lo…

Letting Go

I had to learn that not being my mother didn't have to mean losing myself and fixing every broken thing in life. I read the book Boundaries and saw so much of myself. With the help of my therapist, I'm learning that it's okay to stop having contact with my mother. And I haven't.
So I'm letting go. I'm letting go of expectations. I'm letting go of gifts she gave me and told me I was not allowed to get rid of, ever. I'm letting go of my desire to fix things for everyone—instead encouraging them to learn how to help themselves (with my support, of course). And in the process of letting go, I'm taking myself back and learning who God created me to be. It's a much different person than the girl my mother raised, and I'm enjoying getting to know her more each day.

So where do I go from here? Well, I've learned a few things from my experiences. First, I learned that the term "narcissist" is overused in our society. Narcissism is a pe…

My Story

When Casey’s law was passed in Kentucky, it was intended as a legal means for the loved ones of an addict to intervene and force them into court-ordered involuntary treatment. For some, this may be the last available approach for saving the life of a loved one. However invaluable a tool this prove to be, Casey’s Law provides what can be an excessive amount of power over the fate of the alleged drug user.

Being labeled an ‘addict’ comes with a stigma that can greatly affect how someone is perceived by others. If it becomes known that you are an addict, for example, a nurse at the hospital might be scornful and dismissive while treating you, friends might decide to sever ties with you, or you might even lose your job. While some might decide that an addict deserves such treatment, this doesn’t establish that an addict deserves to lose their rights guaranteed by the constitution. As an American, it is understood that you have the right to be considered innocent until proven guilty, and…

Narcissist's Child

When a toxic person can no longer control you,  they will try to control how others see you.  The misinformation will feel unfair, but stay above it,  trusting that other people will eventually see the truth,  just like you did.  ~Jill Blakeway

Growing up I had a friend I spent all my time with, and mostly at her house with her single mother. I remember a time when her mother had got home from a hard day at work, frustrated from trying events she had endured, and snapped at my friend for something that typically wasn’t an issue with her. As I waited upstairs, I overheard my friend tell her mom that it embarrassed her for it to have happened in front of me. Then something I almost couldn’t believe happened, her mother apologized. But that’s what people when they love each right? Rationally explain how an action made them feel, and when you care for someone you don’t want to be the cause of their pain. The behavior is corrected to ensure that you don’t cause any more pain to a loved one and …