Quickly approaching is a lot of 'one year since... ' days for me. I have spent a lot of time over the last few days reflecting on who I was one year ago to who I have become today. I am still grieving the loss of who I was.
That wonderful girl I was a year ago will never be here again. I wish I knew how amazing she was back then. She was kind, loving, nurturing, but she was niave, too trusting, and viewed the world as fair and just. She was ignorant, but it was blissful. If she was happy, I would never be here.
It's been over seven months since my last run. Although physically and mentally I feel better, I fear I will never escape the control it has given my mother over me.
On my last birthday I went out to eat with my mother and father, against the advice of my sponsor and counselors. Talking about being in the treatment center she chose, my mother looked at me and asked 'aren't you so happy you did this?'. I could no longer bite my tongue, I responded 'am I glad I have been forced out of an apartment I had, lost a wonderful job I had just started, lost both my dogs and almost everything I own to be thrown in a homeless shelter and forced to eat at soup kitchens everyday?'. When I asked why she did this to me she responded 'because you wouldn't let ME get you help'. This was never about me, this is about her. At thirty years old I was able, for the first time, choose a treatment plan for myself. She found a way to force me into what she wanted, simply because she wasn't involved. After that meal I walked five miles back to the shelter in the rain.
After seven months sobriety I am back to being on the run. I can't move on with my life, I don't even feel like I can have a life. I will never be viewed as my own person, I am merely an extension of her and until I submit to her control, I will be punished.
I will be turning myself in, and this time begging to serve out the 6 months. Maybe after that I can finally have freedom from her. It will be living in a constant fear though, scared that one day she will find me and systematically destroy my life again. After reading my blog, all she could say was that I am 'too smart, too manipulative, and have too much time'. I am my own person, I should be allowed to express my own emotions. I do not choose to feel this way, I can not simply choose not to be hurt.
My mother likes to tell people 'she is an addict' to devalue anything I say. It is unnecessary as I will be the first person to tell anyone that. I have fought a battle that is life or death. The enemy is myself and the victor is myself. Until a person has battle the demons inside of them they will never truly understand one of the hardest battles known to man. When you have truly lost everything and you can't kill yourself fast enough, finding the strength to fight for anything is nearly impossible. Just hearing the word dope and my whole body shuts down, remembering how easily the poison made me feel nothing tempts me to escape the claws of control. I have never had control over my own life, shooting the poison in my veins was the only thing I felt I could control. But even that was a delusion, it controlled me just as my mother continues to try to do.
Just for today I will remain sober. Today I make a deep and personal commitment to remain clean and sober. God, grant me the serenity to accept the people that I can not change, the courage to change the one that I can, and the wisdom to know that one is me. Just for today.
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